MADISON LOVES TO SING

SURPRISE VISIT!

Sister and I decided we would surprise our parents.... it is their 30th wedding anniversary on Tuesday! (Amazing! That does still exist) Baby and I secretly went to pick her up on Friday, and we showed up to dinner. My mom was in shock. It was fun! It seems like the weekends fly by when she is here. I wish there were jobs here because I want her to move back! We miss her tons!

OUR NEW BABY BAG

I have so many bags. I technically did not need this bag, but I LOVED it. I figure all these bags I have are full of baby items so I use them. I just wanted this one. I decided after using it yesterday that I want to use it more than just for baby. I love it! We got it for the birthday! I guess birthday's are great for things you do not need but totally want!

RANDOM NEW THOUGHTS

On the way home this song came on, "Please don't take the girl..." It reminded me of baby's daddy. (OH they got to come up with a better term for him) He used to sing it with his friends to me when we were little... He called me as the song started playing at our favorite part.... WHAT? Him and his best friend would start screaming this part as the phone rings... Things like that weird me out. I told him my 'freaked out moment...' by saying hey listen... he said weird because they were just talking about me... His family was gathered for dinner. I contemplated what that conversation went like...

Earlier thoughts that ran through my head immediately re-surfaced.... I must admit it scared me while pumping and riding shotgun in a car. It wasn't that it was a car... it was a mustang. It's the one Griff died in... I contemplated what would happen if I died. Would he get to take Madee...? I never really cared about death, I mean I know so many people who have died so it never bothered me... suddenly I didn't want to die. It is like they say, I now have a purpose to stay alive... I have a reason to be me! That is very comforting in a way! I secretly promised in my head I WOULD NOT let that happen... being afraid to leave her with him for an hour let alone the rest of her life made my throat hurt.

He wanted us (me and baby) to come by his parents house. That sounds nice and all, but again do I drop everything to run over there?!?! (I totally understand that is bad grammar!) It is my birthday! Did he forget or what!

I said I would call him back. I completely forgot until after she was asleep for the night. The worst part, I was actually happy about him being on my terms FOR ONCE. I feel bad for standing him up, but TECHNICALLY we didn't have plans.... and it is MY BIRTHDAY!

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

Today is my birthday I am officially 28 on today the 28th of June. So the other day when someone asked my age and I said 29... yeah ooppps officially mind mind is lost....

So my friends are awesome! I have never had girlfriends in packs before. Okay so minus the sorority life... but I was such a boy... As I get older I get more and more girl... I wanted a designer baby bag for my birthday... and I bought shiny shoes. I wish I could be more like my sister I mean I could do shiny! My new favorite color could be shiny, maybe someday I will learn glitter.

So the girl-friends thing, I LOVE IT! We get to do 'girl' things together. Having a baby really brings people together. I love them, especially how supportive everyone is, it makes this a whole lot easier! People wanted to see me and baby all weekend. We went shopping on Saturday then to dinner. Madison was so good all day. Then at night we went to leave the restaurant, and she just was so tired she started crying. It scared me because she NEVER cries. We ended up at a friends house because I was afraid to drive home with her upset. I think she was tired from all the excitement. Even with the random crying experience, I truly was blessed with a great baby.

SO today on my birthday we went to yoga and chocolate. It was like they made this class just for ME on my birthday. We had 2 hours of yoga. It was great yoga followed by deep stretching, then CHOCOLATE! You cannot get any better than that. It sounds silly, but best IDEA ever! I felt so content, happy, euphoric, and excited. I cannot wait for Madee to be old enough to do yoga. Plus this yoga instructor had stupid life stories to share that made him more human that exotic yogi. I loved it!

So my friends are not into yoga and for them to spend the money to come to something I love made me feel so special. We had a great time. They seemed to enjoy themselves. I mean who doesn't love chocolate. We had truffles. They brought presents and bought me a book. The instructor wrote a book on the chakras incorporating yoga with wine and chocolate. I am really excited to read it.

Then we went to the Red Rock Pool to meet up with other friends. My friend was driving while I was pumping milk. It was so funny. I was spilling it everywhere. I knew the small compact extra pump would come in handy, but I had no idea I'd ever pump while someone was driving. It wasn't that bad except when we stopped next to a truck the guys were like WHOA! I guess the hooter-hider (yeah made-up word) wasn't working very well. We got to the garage and I pumped while they talked in the parking lot. I felt so strange pouring out perfectly good milk. So this pump n dump thing. HA! I dumped it out. I contemplated the consequences of dumping my DNA in a parking garage at a Casino. (Welcome to my strange and unusual mind, I mean if someone was murdered in the garage and they found my DNA.... aaaaaa suspect?... okay so officially I had to contemplate how much TV I watched on maternity leave and realized I can dump it out).

As we were walking through the Casino with my many bags my friend said, "I see why new moms never want to go out, it is a lot of work". (Thank you!) After pumping I realized my shirt was now to big. Amazing how that works! Perfect because I fit into my suit. We changed into our suits because my friend got a cabana at the Cherry pool. I loved the pool. I didn't think I would, but I had a lot of fun. It wasn't overly packed but full enough to be fun. I saw a lot of people I knew. I forgot what adult interaction was like... I forgot what the Casino's and CLUB LIFE was like.... WOW I forgot what loud music sounded like.... I forgot what drunk people are like, and even better what smokers are like....

At first the drunk looks and smiles made me think "whoa! I look normal... people that do not know 'aaaa she just had a baby'..." They made me feel great.... They were looking at me not baby... HA! HA! Then I realized all that pumping and spilling back in the car magically showed up on my black shirt in the sun. Breast milk mixed with yoga sweat NOT a good combination... HAHA! I bet they were like 'Breastfeeding mama'.... or drunk chick with drink all over her shirt... so much for feeling normal!

AWESOME birthday!

WE WENT SHOPPING

We went shopping this weekend. Madison was so good. I went into one store to pretend to try on clothes and actually breastfed her in the dressing room. She loved the mirror. She loved looking at herself. I think it was more looking at a baby rather than her realizing it was reflection. She reached out to touch herself, and it startled her when her reflection did the same thing.

I LOVE this carrier. It was a great invention. She is still isn't able to hold her head up for too long, but you can see how she is getting stronger. We forget as adults how heavy our heads really are. No wonder our necks hurt at the end of the day. They say in yoga drop your head, relax your neck, let your head go... NO wonder our muscles hurt they are probably tired.

SHE SLEEPS

NEW BINKIE'S

Madison made out on my birthday. We got gifts :o). A childhood friend brought us presents. We needed 3-6 month clothes. We have a lot of 9-12 month clothes and new born outfits, but I forgot a size in between. We love Brandi! She stopped by to see us. Plus I am super excited she got me a mommy massage.

I have never had a massage before I cannot wait!
We love Michele from AZ too she sent us fun gifts! She sent us adorble dress outfits, and a jumper outfit. Of course my sister LOVED the binkies. Madison would always spit them out, apparently these are like super cool binkies because within seconds she was asleep.

MADISON'S HIGH CHAIR

Madison in her chair! We LOVE Courtney she brought us tons of gifts! She is too small but it's fun to have her at the table. She isn't eating anything but breast milk, but the idea is that we sit at the table as a family. I read that the sooner you teach them proper manners and habits the easier it will be for them to adapt accordingly. :o) Besides she looks adorable when sitting at the table.

LAUGHING VIDEO

Madison's first laugh was 5/31/2009. I would call it more of a grunting sensation. I was changing her clothes and she thought it was funny when I put the outfit over her head. She started to giggle. Since then she has been giggling when others laugh or tickle her. Grandma likes to make her laugh by doing silly things...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

We sent a Happy Father's Day message to my single mom friend! I figure she would think that is great and appreciate the acknowledgement considering she is a do it all herself single parent. They should have a single parent's day or cards to that nature.

FATHER'S DAY BRUNCH

Madison appears to be teething. We went to brunch with the parents and she was fascinated by the people and the lights so I held her on my lap while we ate.

She discovered my arm and started chewing on it. She seemed content sucking on my arm. It was entertaining, but I wonder how long before the teeth poke through. I read they receive their teeth about 6 to 8 months so we are a bit early.

We saw some friends eating while we were out. They were super excited to see Madee. She loved our friend. I assume it was his gorgeous blue eyes. It was nice seeing old friends. It made it more fun. Madison seemed overwhelmed with all the excitement going on.

I was even more excited when I remembered him and his sister are vegetarian. It is so hard to find places and people who understand what it is like being vegetarian, or even worse a vegetarian who is allergic to milk.

NAP TIME

AN INVITE WITH FATHER

I am at a loss as to what to say. He called to ask us out to a party that is down the street from my house. I wanted to scream and yell at him, yet at the same moment I wanted to jump on him and hug him because I missed him. What is wrong with me? He is that one person that has always been there for me that has made me act or think completely stupid, and now there is a baby and he is no longer there. What is wrong with him?

He called and I wasn't rude or mean. He wanted to see us, but I am angry. He gets to be a dad when he wants to, but that is not how it works. I am angry that we do not exist between the hours of Monday till Friday, and then weekend all of a sudden we are suppose to just drop over to come see him. It is like he wants to be the friend, the fun guy, when it is convenient for him, not a father figure. I guess I wouldn't be so mad if he actually contributed something, or if he wasn't drunk or doing stupid things when we finally got to see him. It could be worse, he could ask to take her and not invite me to come along. I am thankful for that part of our relationship.

What am I going to do? I do not want to fight. I do not want to lose my friend, but I feel like we are way beyond that and we will never be the same. Maybe that is what I needed to finally put this never-ending on-again off-again strange weird relationship to rest. Either it will be better or worse, but it will never be the same... guess it depends on what I want. My head says one thing my heart says something completely different, and I crave a change of scenery like ocean waters and fresh flowers.

SUNDAY IS FATHERS DAY

Father's day is on Sunday... I am not sure what to do for the nonexistent other half of this small beautiful person that has no idea what she is missing. Do I call him? I mean what for we have not seen him in a weeks. He has not called to see how we are doing. He didn't even call to see how our first day with the sitter went. OH wait he doesn't even know I got a sitter because he said he was going to watch her. I know he will say "well you haven't called me either." My thoughts are that's ridiculous it is not my job to call you, I am not your mother and I am not going to beg for you to see your daughter. I figure she will not remember the first couple of years of her life so maybe he will get his act together by then. Part of me wants to run! I want to run far far away to a place where grass grows uncontrollably, where the ocean smell lingers, and a place without deadbeat, alcoholic drug addict fathers.

Do I call him to say congrats on getting me pregnant because that is all you have done so far? I am content with him not in the picture. I am happier not fighting knowing I have her and that is all that matters, but Sunday bothers me. Sure he is her father, but he has not acted like one. It is harder him being someone I have known the majority of my life then if he was just a random stranger, it would have been so much easier.

If he calls, which I am sure he will eventually what do I say? Oh I forgot she had a father because I do it all by myself, or yeah we took my dad and mom out for lunch since they are the only ones who help out around here. I shouldn't talk bad about him, I mean some day she will want to know him. I just hope that some day he will want to know her. He is a great guy when he wants to be, but this drug addicted alcoholic monster has taken over that wonderful guy I knew.

MADEE LOVES POKA DOTS

PUMPING MILK

While sitting in this COT room I contemplate why I am doing this. I decided to breast feed so I am in this room pumping out milk to give to the sitter. A cot room... it is this room with a cot bed and a chair with a locked door. I believe the cot is older than I am so we touch nothing while in there. The walls are dull white with a white floor. It could be worse, but I would rather not ask or contemplate what has happened or occurred in this room.

I bought a nice pump and decided I needed one for work as well so I bought a cheaper (not cheap at 100 bucks) pump. I realize why it was so much cheaper. OUCH! After the third day, it was almost unbearable.

So now I am stuck on how to store the milk while at work. I checked the freezer and found it was scarier than the cot room. I found a frozen water bottle. Not sure if the bottle was growing mold or someone was freezing green mush but it was DISGUSTING! I was scared to put the breast milk in there as if there were toxic gases coming from the old food stored. I finally found a spot to put the milk and when I came back someone had moved it. In the process they had gotten ice cream all over my bag. I do not understand how or why people are so inconsiderate of others belongings or just messy individuals. Am I really that rare to want cleanliness and order?

A wonderful moment to offset my awful experience, I got an email from a friend while sitting in the cot room pumping out milk. It was titled "the benefits of breast feeding your baby" which made me feel so much better about sitting in a smelly room with dirty furniture half naked hooked up to a machine that makes farting noise.

RED WHITE AND BLUE

THE SITTER'S HOUSE

We survived our first week at the sitter's. It was not bad. Overall it was okay, not as bad as everyone kept saying it would be. The first day was not bad at all. I was not afraid of leaving her, I was probably in a daze considering it was so early.

Tuesday we were at home. Wednesday I dropped her off and it seemed okay. I brought her blankets and toys to use. Thursday was SO HARD! I do not know if the novelty wore off of getting out of the house or what. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to sit with her and listen to her aaaaa and ooooo's all day. I was sad leaving as if almost emotional. I never cry. I never knew why until seeing the doctor. Apparently I have chronic dry eye and my eyes do not produce tears. (yes, it is dangerous) So sitting at a funeral not crying I did not understand. Was I damaged? It takes an incredible amount to make me cry, but now after a laser procedure suddenly my eyes were leaking for NO reason at all.

The sitter said "I just left her in her car seat yesterday, and she slept till 830" I was upset. I felt as if my eyes were going to start leaking again as if it was an uncontrollable act. I couldn't leave. 2 and a half hours in a car seat all scrunched up. Why would she do that? Am I over reacting because my eyes were leaking? I didn't like that at all and was worried about what I had gotten myself into. I said you should take her out of there if she is that tired she will sleep. I wanted to SCREAM "PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT" why would she do that... a guy at my work explained,

"She will watch your child as best she knows how, but she will never watch your child better than she has watched her own children. It may not be to the best of your standards, but it will be to the best of her standards."

So that is suppose to make me feel at ease about leaving her. I am not sure what to think anymore. Perhaps I am on that high standards level of everything should be clean and proper. Perhaps I am really judgemental. Shouldn't I be if she is watching my child? Then I consider if my nature is that I am so observant I notice things that I shouldn't or others do not. She said they were downstairs all day. Then when the other kids had a ball they threw from upstairs she yelled, "no toys downstairs they are suppose to stay upstairs." So were these kids downstairs all day with no toys?

I asked for her clothes because she was wearing a different outfit. She didn't want to give them to me. Strange? I guess baby had a blowout in her clothes and she was washing everything. I was annoyed. She said it didn't come out so she put SHOUT on it. In three months and multiple blowouts daily I have not had ONE single stain on her clothes. Now the favorite outfit is ruined. So silly because I will get back the clothes to rewash them in chemical -free detergent. Then again would I have been happy if she handed me dirty clothes?

She questioned what I do to get her to go to sleep. I said she just goes to sleep on her own. She said not for her she "pats her bum" to get her to sleep. I wondered how often she did that during the day. Was she creating bad habits? Then was she forcing her to sleep? Would she go to sleep if she wasn't tired? I said well I do not do that if she does not fall asleep on her own I do not force it. I wonder if this method is better for the baby, but then I am so curious as to what she does when I am not there. I need a baby cam to calm my curiosity.

Overall I am glad she SURVIVED or more like I SURVIVED! She might be teething at least I HOPE because a week at the sitters and she is now sucking on a binky! She never liked them before.... ohhhhh this will be interesting!

BACK TO WORK

First week back to work was not as I expected at all. It was nice to be back to work. It was nice to get out and have adult interaction. It is funny like I stumble on my words because my only interaction is aaaaa and oooo lately. I feel like I forgot all my adult skills. I decided since I have all these degrees and nothing to do with them why not pursue something at my work, rather than something out there random. Since I graduate again in December, I decided what next. I already lived on a mountain for a month and studied yoga. (Although I would LOVE to go back, bringing a baby there probably wouldnt work.) I decided on environmental science. I want to study global warming. That will keep me busy for awhile longer and keep my student loans off my back.

I never thought I could possibly forget how BAD traffic is. I waste more time driving to and from work than anything else. It takes me 30 minutes to get to the sitters house, 30 minutes from there to get to work. It is amazing how the same route at rush hour takes an hour. I couldn't take the freeway it's a stop and go mess. I have discovered NO ONE likes driving in the hood, so that is my route straight through the projects. I have found it cuts my commute by 30 minutes. Strange thinking10 years ago I was living down the street from the sitters, and who would have ever thought I would be dropping off a baby 10 years later. I could complain but since I only have to drive through the unbearable traffic 3 days a week I do not have much to complain about it could be much worse.

We love our co-workers especially since they have been so nice, and even bought us diapers. I am very fortunate to have such nice people to work with and a place that is welcoming to an unexpected bundle of baby. We are getting a new office. I am sad partially because I have made some friends at this office, and the food downstairs is SO convenient.