DEATH IN THE ICU

Madison cannot walk she is way to skinny to hold herself up. She cannot crawl around on the floor because we are in a disgustingly dirty hospital. I feel horrible keeping her locked up in this room. So we take wagon rides throughout the day. She sits in the wagon while I walk the floors, and she loves it. There is a little boy with cancer across from us. He is so CUTE she loves seeing him when he does his walks. There is a 14 year old girl who loves seeing Madison so we walk by her room and wave. We walk by the nurses desks and she loves waving hello to them.

So I guess we are next to ICU or in a room on the ICU ward. Well we walk by a room with a lady sitting at a desk set up in the hall. Madison waves and makes her squeal when she is excited. I was surprised because lately she dislikes any new strangers. She was even nervous about seeing the best friend who she KNOWS better than her own father. So the lady waves and says hello. Tells us she is sorry for being in the hall but she is monitoring the baby and points to the baby in the room. I look and there is a small child about Madison's size (doesn't say much since we are wearing 6-9 month clothes that fall off of her). We think nothing of it and head back to the room.

Later we are in our room when the alarms go off stating CODE BLUE in RM... Madison was napping so once she was awake they come to take more vitals and blood so to calm her down again I take her out in the wagon. We exit our room and it is a staff meeting in front of our door. IT looked bad. Our nurse was upset you could see it in her face. When we get a few doors down where the nurse had been set up no one is around. The room is empty. We quickly pass the area and move back towards our room. At the other end of the ward there is an open door and a lady starts screaming to someone. She was hysterical screaming about how her baby is gone. That she lost him. He died and that she will never have him back. My heart just sunk into my chest as I stare at Madison. She may be sick but at least she is alive. I felt horrible as I hear the nurses at the desk comment that the room on the end is being used for the mother. No one was helping this lady. I wanted everyone to stop what they were doing and acknowledge the fact that the world is different. The world had stopped for this lady, but IT was as if nothing traumatic happened to everyone else. I wanted to scream and kick and yell for her. I cannot imagine her pain. The floor seemed exactly the same as everyone went about their day like it was normal. I felt horrible for her. I wanted to scream at the nurses myself for just walking by or meeting in the halls talking about it when this mother was grieving.

I do not know who reads this blog, but if you think of us or pray for us, I hope you take moment to pray for this mother of the baby in room 547 because no one should have to endure that. She will need more strength than anyone can comprehend right now, and she will not be able to do it alone. The feeling around that end of the ward is eerie. Madison stares and points at the room making this ughhh noise. It is strange because I wonder if she understands what happened or sees or senses something that we as adults do not.