SINGLE PARENT LIFE

I was exhausted last night. Nights like last night make me bitter that I am doing this all alone. We went to the grocery store. I went hungry as I spent a fortune and had no idea what to make for dinner. How does that happen? I bought the strangest things that really do not compliment each other in meals. I figure I may have to be that person that goes by the store every day as I have no idea what to buy or what I had just bought to make meals for the night let alone the week.

My friends went to play soccer as I was too exhausted to even talk on the phone. Her father's mother called said her father doesn't have a job or a working car so he has no money. I love how everyone sticks up for him. He is that great of a guy that people defend him, but in reality he is a horrible friend, and a horrific father. He is just so wild people think he is fun. It amazes me how he gets people to stick up for him. I was that person for SO LONG. I defended him. I STILL find myself doing it. For what! He has done nothing for us, so why would I do that, but I do it. I love him. I loved him and I know he is an amazing person underneath all the stupidity and thug, but Madison doesn't know that. She doesn't know he is great. She doesn't know him at all. So to her he is nothing... and that should make me angry enough to hate him.

The worst part his mother tells me how hard it is, he doesn't have a job where his father owns the company. He doesn't have any money when he just bought a new quad a couple weeks ago. For someone who doesn't have any money how is he buying expensive pieces of equipment. It angers me that I am going to have to pay about a $1000.00 this month for our hospital visits and copays and he is out buying toys. He has yet to call me to see how she is doing. In my head she almost died that is how bad it got at the ER. Does he not care, because I KNOW he knows we were there. People who are OKAY do not spend weeks in the hospital. I know it is a pride thing. He feels he has screwed up so bad he just keeps screwing up. His thought process is that, well I have already screwed up this bad what difference does it make... because he doesn't know how to fix it.

Part of me wishes he would get caught for all the stupid stuff he does or be punished for all the horrible things he has done. Then again I debate would it be better for him to be in prison or just ignore us... either way he is not part of her life. I feel as if he was in prison that it would be easier for her. I mean when she is older she would understand that her father was not around not because he didn't care, but because he had no choice. Even though it would be hard (like it isn't already) at least he would have an excuse.

My parents suggested selling couches. These are NICE couches which I would never buy something that expensive, nor would I get half as much for them as he spent on them. However, they are downstairs couches as there is no way they will fit in up my stairs and of course my downstairs is too small for them. So I may have to sell them, and then at least I could afford her hospital bill. So frustrating!